


For a Thousand Years

by dodds



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: Depressed!Arthur, Depression, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 16:11:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dodds/pseuds/dodds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt had always tried to help Arthur in every way he could, to put that one little honest smile on his face. But he never actually knew if Arthur was liking it or not. </p><p>"I always tried to help him the best I could, to make the world a better place for him. I never succeeded. And it was all my fault."</p>
            </blockquote>





	For a Thousand Years

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for depressed!Arthur. Suicide. Depressed!Matt.

_On the first page of our story_  
 _The future seemed so bright_

He shouts for me, but I don’t hear it. My ears are filled with a numb, drumming noise and on every other moment I would make a stupid Master-joke, but not now. Not now I’m running through the small hotel bathroom like an idiot, trying to find anything that will help with the bleeding. Thinking straight is not something I can do anymore, my brain is overheating more and more with every slow second that passes.

_“Matt.”_ The sound pierces through my brain, a dagger dragging its way through my heart. I turn around, arms filled with towels and I see him. Blood streams from his wrists, which hang motionless by his side as he hops from one foot to the other, trying to have some balance. The towels are quicker on the ground than humanely possible and I hurry over, catching him as he loses his balance completely and ducks face-first to the white tiles of the bathroom floor. 

“Matt, please.” He pushes my hands away as I try to put a towel over his wrists. “Matt, don’t. If you love me, truly love me, don’t.” My heart stops, one second. Two seconds. Maybe a whole minute. I can’t do anything but stare at him, the relief and truth lying open and exposed into his eyes. If eyes are the windows to the soul, there are no curtains in front of Arthur’s. 

“Why?” My voice cracks, the word coming out high-pitched and inaudible. “Why? Arthur, don’t, I beg you. Let me help you. We can get through this.” I blink to keep away the tears, but several still fall through.

“You’re already helping me, Matt.” His eyes lose focus, but he tries to keep looking at my face. I don’t know how many minutes have passed. I don’t know how long he had been sitting there before I entered, the razor neatly placed beside him on the bed, blood streaming like an ocean of red tears on all that was clean. 

“Don’t cry.” My heart breaks, a thousand pieces shatter on the cold tile floor as I stare into his eyes. Both are filled with tears that have no intention to escape whilst mine want to do nothing else. Of all the requests he could ask, he asks the one I can’t fill. The one I can’t promise. “Please, don’t cry. Don’t…” He catches a tear that drops of my chin in his hand, placing the hand on his heart afterwards. 

“I just don’t want you to go. Karen, Steven, they’ll miss you. So much. What will they do without you?” I avoid putting myself in the conversation, even though I can’t avoid it forever.

“Will you miss me?” I startles me more than it should and it’s not the question. It’s the shivering tone Arthur uses, that little bit of doubt that seeped into it. “I spend so much of my life with you, you were everything that kept me sane. Will you miss me?”

“Yes.” I want to say more, but I can’t. There’s a lump in my throat preventing me to say any more words. My right hand falls on his cheek as I lean in and place a kiss on his lips. His eyes shut in the process and they don’t open again. The blood has started to clot around the edges and he’s shaking in my arms. His left hand is painfully grabbing my right arm, trying to find a hold it can’t hold on to. 

“I don’t want to go.” His eyes are still shut as he mutters it, softly and so inaudible I barely caught it. My tears stream over my face, making invisible cracks of a mask I can’t hold. I was always there for him, no matter how much it weighed down on me. I can’t take it anymore. My breath quivers as I try to breathe. The temperature seems to have dropped immensely in the last few minutes. Were it even minutes? The silences seemed to have been ages and yet so short at the same time. Did I kiss him for one second or for five minutes? The world spins around me and I don’t know where my place on it is. Maybe I have fallen off, into space, with no one to catch me. To understand me.

I move myself so I can hold him better. His pulse starts slowing down, leaving slowly and almost teasing. His grip loosens but I sense we’re not there. It’s like I’m going through what he’s going through but without the dying part. He’s falling and I’m just flying. I’ll end up alive and he’ll crash. Forever. 

“Matt.” It takes me a while to place the sound, but when I look down I see his eyes have opened again. He struggles with my complete name for ages and I want to interrupt him, but part of me says it’s not a good idea. “Matthew Robert Smith.” He stays silent again. Blood is not going everywhere anymore. “I love you. I’m so sorry.” 

“Don’t be. Arthur, just don’t be sorry. Never be sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry that I couldn’t make the world a better place for you. I loved you from the moment I met you and I will until I die.” On any other moment he would have replied ‘or until you have a new girlfriend’ but not now. No contradictions are offered.

_Arthur!_ I want to scream. Run around. Blame everyone for his death but I keep sitting there, the smell of blood reaching my nose as I don’t have anything to focus on anymore. With his final breath, his head drops to right, resting on my shoulder. An empty feeling overwhelms me. Numbness has conquered my brain completely. My tears have forgotten how to fall.

I hold him closely to my chest, my eyes wide open in shock. All emotions available rise within me. Anger because he dared to leave me, because he was selfish. Happiness because I know it was his own decision and even though I regret his decision, but I know he’s in a happier place. Shock because we had sat there for ages and then he had gone; suddenly in my eyes. Confused because I didn’t want all those emotions. I didn’t want any emotions at all.

But most of all, I feel grief. Sorrow. Any synonym you want to give, I feel it. All the blood dries over the time I sit there, Arthur motionless in my arms whilst I rock back and forth, sobbing silently without any tears. My breath shakes and I feel like I’m running more and more out of air with every breath I take. My nose buries itself in his hair and I can still smell his shampoo. Unshed tears linger in my eyes and they sting, but they won’t fall. They might never fall. 

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics: Love The Way You Lie by Skylar Grey


End file.
